In my last blog, I talked about ENERGY and how the energy we show up with can impact the results we get when applying and interviewing for jobs. When we are desperately in need of income, our energy will naturally be desperately needy.
If we show up with an urgent need, that energy will push out to those around us and will subconsciously repel them backwards. Oftentimes, the other person is not aware of why they feel like this because everything on the surface seems right.
Can you see how this same energy theory DEFINITELY can apply to your love life as well? When you have been single for awhile, it’s only natural that you will feel lonely inside and disconnected, even if you don’t think you feel that way or your busy social life keeps you distracted enough to ignore those feelings.
If we are constantly talking to dating prospects online who don’t really understand us or click with us, when we finally do stumble upon someone who does, the relief is exhilarating. We instantly make the leap to “this person must be the ONE who will fulfill our needs and fill up everything we have been lacking for so long.” You can easily imagine how this could make us also get filled with a desperate urgency to catch this person and keep them.
Or, if we have given up on dating or even just having a social life a long time ago, when someone new and wonderful magically appears in our world when we least expect it, that same exhilaration and, consequently, desperate urgency will rush in. No matter how self sufficient we think we are! Because we have denied our basic human need for connection and love, either because we don’t think it exists or because we don’t think it exists for US. Then when an opportunity for connection and potentially love shows up, it immediately brings that need screaming and roaring to the front of our consciousness. This takes us by surprise and we quickly shift from “I am fine on my own” to “I have to have this person NOW.”
How can we quench this need without smothering a new connection out of our understandably desperate energy? Just like with a job search: by honoring and accepting our present state of need first.
You can start to satisfy your need for connection and love without being in a committed relationship. Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting or longing for a committed relationship! As a love coach whose mission is to reunite men and women in relationships, I would never advocate for dismissing the desire for a true relationship. But you cannot approach a relationship from a place of lack or scarcity.
You can start to fill up your empty bucket of need by first focusing on non-romantic connections in your life. How are your relationships with your family? What about your friends or co-workers? Do you have people in your world(even only one or two) that you totally trust to tell anything to and that also know you as you really are? Do you have kind, generally positive people in your life to spend time with, even if only a few times a month?
If your answer is “No, Coach Alicia, I don’t have ANYBODY like that in my life,” don’t feel bad. Myself and many others have a deep lack of good quality friendships or family relationships in our lives, despite what social media might have you believe. But you can much more easily start focusing on these types of connections first before you even try to date or meet romantic prospects. A few ways to make non-romantic connections are through interacting with:
People you work with
People you go to school with
People you live next to
People who do the same hobbies or physical activities that you already enjoy
And if none of these avenues work for you, you can interact with anyone whose path you cross no matter how briefly! Practice making light small talk with anyone you see: a cashier, a server at a bar or restaurant, or even anyone waiting in the same line as you. When you take the pressure off of needing to force a connection to get something from others and just practice smiling and lightly interacting with anyone you see during your daily life, even just for 10 seconds, you will feel most people generally respond the same way back: with light friendly energy. And that right there will surprisingly give you a warm feeling of connection with others.
Little by little, your empty bucket will fill and, almost overnight, you will no longer feel the world is lacking opportunities for love. You will see abundant opportunities for love all the time and that will replace that old feeling of urgent need with a calm clarity that will effortlessly draw better dating prospects and even love matches into your life.
Here’s to living abundantly friends!
Coach Alicia
