MGTOW…meaning “Men Going Their Own Way.” If this term is new to you, it essentially refers to a recent trend and philosophy of men who feel so defeated and hopeless when it comes to having a loving relationship or, hell, even just a positive date with a woman that they have decided to stop trying completely.
To be honest, I would venture to say that before MGTOW, there was WGTOW. I don’t think this is a “man epidemic”; this is a HUMAN epidemic.
And I have realized why.
For the past twenty years, I have noticed a growing cultural shift towards less experience, more analysis. To put it simply, we don’t live life anymore. Instead, we think. All. The. Damn. Time.
Take a moment and reflect on this (yes, more thinking but only for a minute😉). How many posts or videos have you seen called “I tried such and such….and this is what happened”?
Before the internet, do you know how humans found out what happened when they wanted to do something new? They TRIED it.
When did we stop trying and experiencing and LIVING? When knowledge and communication were able to be shared at the speed of light, we found a “get out of jail free clause”, if you will. A way to try something or a way to experience something without the fear of risk.
Or so we thought.
Trying to experience something without actually experiencing it yourself in real life is an oxymoron. An impossibility. You can not experience something without actually being the one experiencing it. And yes, that means also opening yourself up to the risk, to the possibility that what you experience might not be 100% pleasant.
And that is sadly why we now have an epidemic of men and women forgoing love and relationships. When you have grown up in a culture that continuously enforces a belief that you should never have to experience anything negative or painful, then you will of course view something as uncertain and risky as love, dating and relationships to be a no-win situation.
Because nothing in life comes without risk. Certainly not love or relationships with other people.
Ahhh, but that is where the magic lies my friends…… IN the risk and IN the fear and IN the uncertainty.
I promise you right here and now, that everything good and pure and beautiful in this life also comes with some darkness, some discomfort or even some pain. Every good and light quality within you is balanced by a dark quality. It’s what keeps the universe stable and in check.
But just because darkness, fear and pain exist in our lives, that doesn’t mean they aren’t worth experiencing. They are just as much a part of our human experience as the good things are. Avoiding pain and darkness doesn’t bring you happiness. It just makes you dead inside. And we are living in a world filled with the walking dead (spoiler alert for the fans of the show: zombies are a metaphor for people who have given up on life).
So why not take the risk of pain and fear if it also brings you unimaginable joy, peace, and love? Why not face rejection or heart break if it also brings you connection, belonging and elation? And why not face failure if it also means your greatest dreams will come true?
When I faced my demons, bet on myself and turned my life around, one thing was still missing: the man and family of my dreams. But I had a fear of dating a man with children and that was blocking me from the right man and the right relationship. I feared that because I had grown up seeing only the negative, dark side of being a stepmom. Once I faced that fear, I realized that I could take a chance and look at the other possible side: instead of focusing on the pain or discomfort that dating a man with children might bring me, I could focus on the love and joy that dating a man with children could bring me.
And do you know what I did when within a few short weeks of making that brave decision I saw a man’s profile on my dating app that was everything I was looking for?
I immediately said “No, he has kids and even though I decided to try that out, it probably won’t work out and will be too difficult and it’s smarter if I don’t even talk to him and blah blah blah.” All the things our clever brains do when we can’t just admit that we are scared and making decisions out of fear! But this time I recognized my fears and I remembered my decision to focus on the possibilities instead of the potential negatives.
So I said “screw it, let’s go”! And within two weeks, I had the man of my dreams, two kids, and a dog and a cat! And even though there were moments where fear reared its ugly head and my instincts told me to run, I went back to my lesson and made myself slow down and decide: would I let the dark side of things chase me away from the wonderful light present in my life? And every single time I would choose to stick it out and breathe through the dark side until the light took back over, which most of the time happened within a couple minutes. Literally!
I write this now years later while watching my 17 year old girl sleep with another dog curled up beside us in a home filled with peace and love and, yes, sometimes fear and darkness too. But we no longer hide from that darkness because we know the secret: the light burns brighter alongside the darkness.
Praying that you and all of humanity decide to risk the dark long enough to experience your own light 🕯️
With love and faith,
Coach Alicia❤️
