There’s another new kid on the block when it comes to modern dating terminology:

The Black Cat vs The Golden Retriever personality type.

These terms refer to a person who is more introverted and reserved in their ways of love and relationships, i.e, The Black Cat; versus a person who is more extroverted and expressive, The Golden Retriever.

The concept follows the tried and true formula for rom-coms, romance novels, even platonic comedy movies or TV shows about detective partners where you have one gruff, closed-off person forcibly teamed up with one extroverted, friendly and open person. Their differences inevitably end up being the secret sauce to cracking cases with lots of witty repartee and chemistry along the way.

These scenarios are highly constructed for entertainment value (doing it for the plot, literally), real life doesn’t exactly follow this formula so specifically. But there is still a golden nugget of truth to these pairings that can be applied to dating and relationship chemistry:

P o l a r i t y: “the quality or condition of having opposite properties, powers, or directions

Polarity applies to masculine and feminine attraction and without it, two people on the surface can seem very compatible and suitable to each other for a relationship- good on paper– but the relationship itself feels stale and emotionally flat. Because their energies are so similar, they are essentially like the same ends of two magnets. They don’t attract.

You might be asking yourself “then why would two people who don’t attract even be together?”. Well, after a tumultous, passionate yet chaotic relationship with plenty of polarity, two people might feel that a comfortable relationship with lots of routine feels safer, even if it starts to feel emotionally flat.

Does this mean that we are all doomed to choose between either a wild, passionate, yet chaotic relationship or a safe, consistent, yet flat and stale relationship? Thankfully, no.

If we dig a level deeper beneath the polarity of two opposites attracting, there can be something solid underneath: shared values.

You see, I have my own theory about polarity and opposites attracting versus couples who are just good on paper:

The romantic couples or even the platonic detective TV partners who have that Opposites Attract/Black Cat-Golden Retriever polarity thing going on but can still create a good relationship actually aren’t that opposite at their core.

Their external personalities might be polar opposites but underneath, their true cores have shared values. That’s what separates them from the dynamically charged, passionate polar opposites who have great chemistry but do nothing but fight and can never work out their personality differences to make their relationship work. Deep down, these fiery couples are also internally opposite with what they truly value but their polarity keeps their external chemistry burning while also keeping them unhappily attracted to each other.

This is also why many of us fall into a cycle of passionate polar relationships that go up in flames follwed by non-polar, “good on paper” routine relationships that become stale and boring. Since neither is very fulfilling or joyful, it can leave us feeling like true contentment with another isn’t possible for us and that we are “just too damaged” to enjoy a secure relationship.

But the truth is, neither of those relationship scenarios are actually secure or positive. While the steady consistent non-polar partnership may seem secure on the outside, it’s dead on the inside because both partners aren’t in partnership at all, they are just playing a role and going through the motions.

And while the polar, passionate, emotion-filled relationship can sure feel like love due to the intense attraction between the couple, it also has no true secure partnership because each person doesn’t truly value or want what the other person wants either.

So if you take a closer look at those gruff Black Cat + sunny Golden Retrievers duos that actually work, you’ll realize it’s because, despite their external differences, deep down they care about the same things.

Huh, kinda makes you think about other possibilties for common ground despite external differences….. like politics. Maybe people who are externally showing up as a staunch Democrat or Republican aren’t all that opposed deep down where it counts? Maybe their values are actually shared?

There was a time in our country not tooo long ago where there were plenty of examples of this in our government. We used to have Republican and Democratic Congressmen who got out of their corners long enough to debate over issues only to find that they actually felt the same way and go on to work together on legislation for the best interests of the nation.

And then there is the most famous political example of relationship polarity of all : Republican strategist Mary Matalin and Democrat strategist James Carville. For those Millennials and Gen Zers too young to be familiar with this couple, look them up. Their marriage is a fascinating example of this dynamic in play as well as an uplifting real-life example of how Democrats and Republicans at their core can believe in the same values, care about the same causes and agree to disagree over the best government strategy forward.

What would happen if we dared to lean into polarity again instead of automatically rejecting people who externally seem different from us? What if we moved away from the trend of the past ten years of conforming and blending only with people who seem to agree with us? Would we find new possibilities in our dating world AND our political society?

I for one am looking forward to those possibilities to come as we stop fearing polarity and start embracing our differences while also discovering our shared core values.

Start imagining a nation where men and women, Democrats and Republicans, black cats and golden retrievers stop fearing their differences long enough to be pleasantly surprised by what they actually have in common.

And if you need a guide to coach you along the bumpy road of discovering your core values or help you determine if you and your Black Cat or Golden Retriever are polar opposites with a common core or just polar opposites setting each other on fire, book your free introductory call with me to get started: 60 Minute Private Call with The Love Balance Coach.

Here’s to opposites attracting for all the right reasons ❤️‍🔥

Coach Alicia