If a guy talks about wanting a serious relationship on your first date with him, is that a good indicator that his intentions are serious?

What if he talks about wanting marriage and to start a family while the two of you are initially talking on a dating app?

These must be good signs that he is serious with his intentions for you and ready for commitment, right?

Maybe. But maybe not.

What a guy says and what he actually feels and acts on are two different things. Context here is important as he may be speaking in general about things he wants for the future but not right now.

Or, he might be telling you what he assumes you want to hear. Not to deceive you, but because he might not have a lot of success with dating and talking to women and is anxious to please you so that you do not reject him.

Or, he is telling you what you want to hear because of exactly that: he DOES want to deceive you because he is just looking for sex, fun times, or just some ego feeding from you and doesn’t care at all what he has to say to get those things from you.

In the case that he is lying to deceive you for his own uses, ask yourself this: did he bring up the topic of a serious relationship, marriage and family or did you? Neither proves anything but if you brought up this topic first, he may very well just be agreeing with you to get along with you or to get something from you.

So, how do you know? The only way to ever know anything about another human’s intentions and character: TIME.

We ladies tend to be in a rush to “figure out” where a guy stands and what his values are as soon as possible, sometimes before we have ever even met or been on a date with him.

And I get it. We’ve all been hurt, lied to or led on and we don’t want to expose our heart or waste our time and energy on someone who is not what they seem again.

But you cannot determine someone’s true character, values or intentions without spending time with them, talking to them and observing them.

So, ladies, OBSERVE. This is the only thing you have to do when dating. Observe a man’s actions and words when talking or on a date, but also observe yourself during these interactions, how do you feel once initial nervousness has passed? Do you genuinely enjoy talking to this person even if you felt no romantic interest? Do they seem to enjoy listening to what you have to say and genuinely learning about who you are and what you value?

What about when you are talking to someone on a dating app and they push to meet you in person because “they don’t want to get stuck being penpals“?

While this is certainly something that anyone who has spent any time on a dating app can relate to, any man who is truly looking for a relationship is going to want to TAKE HIS TIME getting to know you. And while men are visual creatures who can’t truly get a feel for a woman without being in person, this is a perfect opportunity to politely test a guy’s intentions before even having to meet him.

I call it my “Prequalification Letter Test.”

In real estate, a potential buyer sometimes is required to show a prequalification letter from a bank before they can view a home for sale. The seller makes that stipulation to weed out “lookie loos” who aren’t truly serious or financially ready to buy a home. Ladies, here is your chance to do the same.

When a man on a dating app is pushing you to meet him in person very quickly after you just started messaging each other because of the “penpal excuse”, this is how you respond:

1. Kindly acknowledge that while you totally understand where he is coming from and while you too have no intention of messaging for all of eternity without ever meeting, you first need to get to know someone before going out with them.
2. Sweetly ask him if he is cool with talking on the app for a week or two and then setting up a date to meet in person.

You can say this kindly and directly like above or you can put a playful spin on it by saying something like “Easy sir, I can’t blame you for being in a rush to meet a woman as blindingly awesome as me but this lady likes to get to know a fella first 😉”

Any secure man who has intentions of genuinely getting to know someone for a serious relationship will accept that and be completely on board with getting to know you by talking over the app for a week or two.

But what if he doesn’t?

Well, then you will know that he either

1. Has zero intentions of exploring a relationship or getting to know anything about you except what you look like naked
2. Is frustrated and desperate because he doesn’t know how to connect with a woman long enough to get a date or a girlfriend
3. Is frustrated and rushing to fill a relationship void in his life because he is recently divorced or gone through a breakup

And guess what? None of those scenarios are anything you need or should want in your life so congrats! If that turns him off, you just successfully avoided wasting any of your time, energy or heart on someone who isn’t prequalified. 😁

Now you can simply spend your time and focus on the men who are willing to get to know you first without rushing into a date 24 hours later.

Because just like the song says, you can’t hurry love. When it’s right, you feel it and the urgency and need to rush disappears.

If you need help with staying calm and pacing yourself through the world of dating, schedule your free 60 minute conversation with me to go further: https://outlook.office.com/book/TheLoveBalanceCoaching@thelovebalance.com/?ismsaljsauthenabled

Here’s to slowing down for the right ones,

Coach Alicia